Saturday 15 January 2011

Today I have been on a confidence clinic run by Lisa Venables of Holistic Horses. I have owned my horse for 4 months but as yet have been too nervous to ride her out on my own. Although my mare has behaved a little wildly on the ground she had always been very good being ridden. So I haven't been able to work out why I have always anticipated that she us going to behave badly, spook at objects, bolt, buck etc. I got to a point at the clinic earlier today where I realised that I hated being out of control in all aspects of my life, and that my anticipation of bad things happening and always fearing the worst was meaning that I was in a pretty negative state a lot of the time. I was really shocked to come to this realisation as prior to today I had always imagined myself to be a 'glass half full' kind of a girl....

Anyway, sitting on the loo a few minutes ago, it struck me right between the eyes that the possible, in fact probable start of this negative speak, started the day my Dad dropped dead of a heart attack....

On the 23rd July 2007 my husband appeared home from work at 11am. He told me that something had happened and could we please sit down. I panicked thinking that maybe his boss had had a heart attack, as we knew he had some heart problems. He then told me that my Dad had collapsed at home and had been taken to hospital, but that he didn't know what was wrong with him or what state he was in. He had received a phone call from one of my uncles and told to bring me to the hospital... 'My Dad?' I questioned, 'what, my Dad?'.... I couldn't believe it.... My Dad was only 62 and I wasn't at all prepared to receive any news like that...

We jumped in the car and I started to feel that it was odd that Mum hadn't phoned me by now tk give ms some more information or an update. Another half an hour of the journey passed with no phonecall from any family members and I started to feel very sick and nervous. My instant fear was that he was dead and they didn't want my to find out until I had got to hospital. The family had done the same for my Auntie and Uncle when their Son was killed at 21, and I had driven my Cousin 9 months earlier from Bristol airport to his Mums house knowing that she was dead but not telling him so that he would find out in the security and comfort of home...

So, What did I start to do? I started to tell myself, and mh husband, that Dad was obviously dead. I simply could not bear the idea of hearing the news from someone and it coming as a shock, so I very quickly accepted that he was dead by repeating it to myself over and over again. At least this way I wouldn't be completely vulnerable when I got to the hospital and I had built up some defences. I even made my husband stop at the services so that I could go to the loo and get a drink, to prove that I wasn't in a hurry and that I wasn't being fooled or tricked by anyone!!!!

To add to this, I was 6 months pregnant with my second child and I was damned if I was going to let myself be put in a position of shock or surprise that would cause any harm or stress yo my baby.....

When we arrived at the hospital I knew that I was right, as I could see the look of pity on the receptionists face when I told her I had come to see my Dad. Although I felt very dick and I was conscious that my body was shaking I felt quite relieved that I had prepared myself for the worst on the journey, as I felt relatively in control and knew that I wasn't going to lose it. Thank goodness I'd prepared myself....

The receptionist took me to a side room and there were my Aunties and Uncles and my poor gorgeous Mother. I cuddled her, told her I was sorry, and focussed on soothing and supporting her. After about 10 minutes I went into the kitchen area and started making tea for everyone, and started phoning my Dad's side of the family to break the news, all without shedding a tear. I could feel the adrenaline pumping and I was in project manager mode, my comfort zone, where I could feel most comfortable and in control in what was the most out of control experience of my whole life.

So, I guess, when getting back to the subject of riding, I've become so nervous because as far ahead as the night before a ride I am anticipating problems that might arise just to prepare myself for the worst. So I can at last understand why I'm
doing this now, and it doesn't feel so stupid anymore. It feels good to have the answer, as at least I can now work on how to make some changes.....

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